Turning over a new leaf

Well as i have said before, anyone that knows me well, knows that I don't talk about my feelings very openly, but it is one of my many new years resolution to open up and state my opinion more. To tell people how i am feeling and why. To be bold and care a little less if i am judged for what i say. I hate the fact that i don't seem to ever make a lasting impression on people, I hate the fact that I always feel so forgotten, but my brother put it best when he said "you cant expect people to remember you, if you don't give them a reason to remember you. Say anything, the more ridiculous the statement the more they will remember you." So with that piece of advice stuck in my mind, I am going to talk about my thoughts and feelings more. I'm going to say what is on my mind and bare my soul for the world to see. It will take a while for me to get to that point, so I'm starting here, on my blog. Baby steps.... and here.... we..... GO. (forgive me if its not well written, English has never been a strong area for me)

So today I was digging through my backpack, trying to find my external hard drive and i saw a little piece of paper sitting at the bottom. It was an old fortune from a cookie. One that i obviously liked enough that i decided to keep it. (because i only keep the good ones) It said:

"The harder the fall, the higher the bounce"

I don't remember what restaurant i get these particular fortunes from, but there is one brand that always seem to have such profound words of wisdom on them. As weird as it is, that fortune written on that little piece of paper sums up my feelings on life as of lately.

Before Christmas break I was having a rough time, There were so many things that played into my "funk" as i called it. (my definition of funk: a negative, rather gloomy and almost depressed state of being). I'm at a point in my life where i feel very lost, I am about to graduate in a major that I love, but sometimes feel so inadequate to be in. People ask me on a daily basis what i want to do after im done with school, and honestly i have no idea. I'm worried i wont get a job and i will have to move back home and all that time and money will have been wasted. I felt like in the four years i have been at Utah state I have met a whole hand full of great people, but never been a good enough friend to keep up with them and stay their friends. On top of the stress of all that, I was having a hard time getting over a boy. I went on more dates this last semester than i have in the last couple years, and they were all really great guys, but part of me was still holding on to this boy that things didn't work out with. I always have and probably always will be having this constant fight with myself about not being pretty enough, outgoing enough, funny enough, nice enough, and always comparing myself with other girls. I'm constantly trying to keep my self esteem high and be happy with who i am, but every time i look around i see a gazillion other girls that seems to be so much better than me and have it all going for them. and it just drags me back down. I felt like spiritually i had come to a stand still. I was still going through the motions of reading praying and going to church, but not with a desire to progress, but because i know that is what i should be doing. All in all i was just in this state of being that felt a little like i was on the road to depression. Been there, done that, never want to be there again.

I got home for Christmas break and the first week and a half was rough. i didn't do anything but wallow in my own self pity. After a mild brake down while talking to my awesome brother Sam at 330 in the morning, i decided i control all of this. I control my happiness. If i want things to be better i need to stop sitting around on my butt waiting for them to get better. I had to make the change. So i started by making goals to get myself back where i wanted to be. (on the upward swing rather than the downward spiral.) I started working out and hanging out with my high school friends. I started talking to old friends just to see how they were instead of waiting for them to talk to me. I changed my attitude to be positive rather than negative and the saying is true, the harder you fall, the higher the bounce is. I'm back in Logan now and although everything is pretty much the same, I am still lost.. I'm still fighting a battle of self confidence... I'm still not dating anyone and probably wont date anyone before i graduate (I know i know...anything could happen). I am finally out of my 'funk'. I'm happy again and want to do things, and meet new people. I'm content just knowing that things will work out the way they are suppose to work out, and whatever blessings or trials god has in store for me... I will take them as they come and they will better me as a person.