random thoughts at 3:00 in the morning

Even before starting this post, I can already tell this is going to probably be a whole lot of random thoughts thrown into a blog. I dont know why I feel the need to stay up right now (instead of going to bed) and write about life and the thoughts I have had over the last two weeks (which by the way has been an emotional roller coaster) but I do. So here is it: Random thoughts by Sarah Webb.

I've been in this weird contemplative/deep thinking mood lately. I keep thinking about things like why we always seem wish for everything that we dont have. Why we want to look different, act different, grow up differently than we did, be in different situation, have different opportunities, or just be a different person all together. I was driving home from st george today analyzing the terrible design of almost every billboard we passed when i noticed that we had passed like 7 different 'image changing' billboards.. day spas, plastic surgery, liposuction, and so on. It always makes me wonder, why cant we just be content? Why is there this need to be a clone of the 'perfect person' and what shapes that perfect image in your mind? Why is it that we were made to desire what we dont have? After finally sharing my thoughts with my roommate, who was driving, and talking it out with her I came to the conclusion that if we werent given this desire to be something better than we are we would never be motivated to do anything in life. As with everything there comes the good and the bad. The bad: trying to change your appearance and personality to fit the 'norm' and blaming the things that go wrong on the situations and the life you were placed in rather than your own bad choices. The good: Having the drive and motivation to become a better person, to get rid of the bad habits that you have formed in your life. To change the world.. or at least to change your world. We wouldnt get anywhere if it werent for the desire to change. Its our own choice to feed the good changes, or the bad.

Next on the list of contemplation is in the area of 'soul searching'. Graduation really takes a toll on you. All you ever hear about is how great it is to finally reach that point. After thousands and thousands of dollars being pumped into a school, you come out with a paper (which of course they charge you 35 dollars for) that says that you did it. But what then? half the people I know just go to more school because they dont know what else to do with life. We are shoved into the real world with no map to tell us where to go next. I find myself considering going back to school only because I dont know what else to do. I wonder if I even chose the right field to graduation it (how freaking pathetic is that right after getting a degree) I dont want to go back to school, I am ready to move on, I just dont know how or what to do. So what are my options?

Find a job? Ok, but where? We spend 4 years studying something we love. We shouldnt have to get a crappy job that we dont love, but we still have bills to pay.. so i am just trying to find any old job. Who the crap is going to hire a fresh out of college grad knowing full well that as soon as they find a job in their field they are peacing out and quitting? NO ONE. So I am stuck.

Go on a Mission? I have been so back and forth on this one its not even funny. I've been having this internal battle with myself for a year and a half now. Go or dont go? I get a prompting to go but have ZERO desire to serve one. I mean I love the gospel. I love sharing the gospel, but something about serving a mission just doesnt appeal to me. So I pray for desire, but it hasnt come yet. I have talked to my bishop about it and almost started my papers, but then i felt like it wasnt right, so i stopped. Three weeks later the prompting hits again. So would that be a go or dont go? I dont know.

Get married? Lets not even talk about that one. My mom wants it. Even though she tries not to talk about it too much cause she doesnt want to seem to pushy, I know she wants one of us to get married real bad. My friends all keep telling me its going to happen to me soon (In the next year they say). News flash though: I havent had a boyfriend in almost two years, and boy does that scares me a little bit. I am growing more and more content with my single life, and I feel like I am forgetting how to even be someones girlfriend. I haven't had to deal with worrying about anyone but myself for so long, I dont know how to do it anymore. I have been on dates with a couple boys I have been interested in, but when i try to show that interest I become awkward and weird, so things dont go anywhere and I continue to be single. So that option is out.
What does this all lead to: The most lost and confused I have felt in a long LONG time.

I guess I will end with the though of how much I hate goodbyes. Any old goodbye is awkward. Getting off the phone is weird, especially if you are talking to someone who has to have the last word. This has an easy solution, just say bye and hang up. Then there is the post hanging out goodbye, where the 'welp, i better get going' line is delivered several times before it actually happens and then after walking them to the door, you give them a hug and thank them for coming over and then there is a little lingering and another awkward goodbye. If you are both outside you continue to yell at eachother until the one leaving has successfully made it to their car and gotten in before turning around and walking back into the house. This is slightly more awkward than the phone goodbye, but still manageable. Then there is the 'have a nice life goodbye'. these ones are the worst. You both know that it will probably be the last time you will ever see eachother. You are both thinking it, but it sucks to say it out loud. I've had way too many of these the last two weeks. Old roommates and friend that I will always keep in touch with, but will probably never see again due to our lives going in different directions. Its really sad to me that so many people can make such a huge difference in my life and then it ends with a 'see ya never, have a nice life'. Yeah, goodbye really suck.

I will probably post some pictures soon to show you a happier side of my life :) but for now, I think I should go to bed.